I have always been capricious, and this has worked in my favor at times. However, lately, it has led to unfathomable disastrous results. I've coached and counseled myself a million times, but I have failed to implement anything. I have found it is easier to give stellar advice than follow it, as one doesn't need to deal with the consequences.
I am seen as someone who is very practical; however, when the shoe is on the other foot, my brain takes a long vacation. I've been trying so hard to follow the psychobabble I have been dishing out.
After a multitude of unsuccessful attempts, I have now learned to maintain my equanimity to some degree. In the recent past, my maudlin behavior has irked a few, but I'm unaffected. Time has taught me to embrace difficult situations and accept change in a positive way. I'm comfortably numb.
I now tend to be dilettantish in most conversations with family or friends, and whenever I'm asked how I feel, I smile and say I'm fine. Life is so much simpler this way.
Some people find me a tad bit caustic, but I honestly don't care. I've never cared, but now I'm unemotional to a greater degree. This is my way of dealing with things right now. Each day, I try to focus on getting through the day and being happy.
I no longer choose to be the harbinger of happiness. I exist one moment at a time, and I choose to remain guarded and stoic until the grim reaper comes knocking at my door. I fear not what life has in store, as I have endured unfathomable pain and survived.
A blizzard of silence and equivocated answers pierced my feeble, unstable, nonsensical mind. I had let myself get consumed by my volatile, execrable imagination. However, I no longer try to comprehend things. I have faith in God, and I trust that whatever has happened is just a test. I look to remain positive and happy.
As I gaze at the night sky sprinkled with faint diamonds of past souls, I look forward to being part of this velvet tapestry someday.
I've closed some doors behind me and tossed those keys away. Once I find the peace I'm looking for, that's where I will stay.
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