Update 2.1

It has been a long time since I posted anything on my blog. I have been busy, very busy. I finally managed to squeeze in some 'Me time' to share an update on my life.

For those who do not know, the last 26 months has been very interesting, exciting and dramatic. I rose from the abyss of melancholia to immeasurable euphoria; each event scripted by destiny.

My blind faith and trust in God, led me to my soul mate and best friend B 26 months ago.

This is how my life unfolded:

Met – Proposed (7 months later) – Engaged (2 months later) – Married (3 months later) – Baby (10 months later*) – I waited for a month. Little N is almost 5 months and is a bundle of Joy,and Oh boy!

B is holding on to sanity by a thread and I can't wait to give her a much deserved break.

Life is full of twists and turns and surprises, just when I had lost all hope, life handed me an Express Pass to paradise. I am grateful for everything I have received and cherish each day.

Amidst all this organised chaos, I moved residence and set up my place. 2018 – 2019 was the busiest I have ever been in my entire life.

My family and B’s family have been extremely supportive, and I can’t thank them enough. Life is beautiful, and I want it to stay that way.

I have so many stories to tell and experiences to share, I shall write soon… Till we meet again Adios!

br-OK-en

Denial, self-reflection, regret, and a multitude of emotions crowd my pallid, tormented mind. I replay every life-changing event over and over again, hoping for a different, untarnished reality, but no matter how many times I replay those events, the present remains the same.

Regret gnaws at my melancholic soul, slowly devouring every happy memory, leaving behind a carcass of emptiness. The void grows wider each day; like a great black abyss, it swallows and imprisons all the hopes and dreams I had. The light that I once bathed in has been extinguished, leaving behind the stench of crushed dreams that now pave my shattered soul.

I try to comprehend the magnitude of the destruction, and I can't seem to fathom how it could have led to such a vile and brutal outcome. Were there signs, and I just didn't see them? Could I have prevented this from happening? The answers I seek are locked away; the key is my elixir.

I've always believed that the foundation of my world was built with utmost precision and care, and I put immense effort into ensuring that it was secure. I was so confident that no storm, no matter how severe, could shake or breach this empyrean world I had built with so much love, affection, and trust. Was it fate, or was it the perfect storm that breached and annihilated the very core of the foundation?

Was I being punished for my past sins? Was it time to pay my retribution? Could this just be an experience I need to go through? I have so many questions, but the answers lie at the bottom of the impenetrable abyss.

As I try to rebuild my life one shattered fragment at a time, I have discovered how frail and delicate life can be. I've learned and understood that life is full of surprises, twists, and turns. I've learned to cope, accept, and forgive. I've learned not to build castles in the air and to graciously accept, cherish, and hold on to the little that I have.

I now cradle my scarred, shredded heart and protect it with a wall of apathy and cynicism.

I've also learned to be guarded, more vigilant, and less expressive. I wear a mask of tranquility and solitude. I dissimulate to become invisible so that I can just glide unnoticed through life.

I've surrendered to the pain to let the healing begin. I've adapted to become resilient.

After the Storm

I lay motionless, staring into emptiness. I've lost track of time. My mind wanders the now blank and scarred recesses of my soul. I'm suddenly jolted into reality by my alarm clock.

I scramble to my feet and try to get a hold of my bearings. Dazed and still reeling from the aftermath, I look at my phone... It's 4 a.m. I can hear the echo of silence. Everything I had and all that I had planned and dreamt about was lost in an instant. Was this a dream? Or was this really happening?

I try to fathom the reason why war was waged upon my peaceful soul. What triggered such a catastrophic event? Why now? And why me? These questions all had answers that I was unwilling to accept.

Pieces of my soul lay strewn across a million miles of memories that I had so carefully built over the years, and every fiber of my body ached. My head was ringing, and the memories of the past whizzed through; flashes of significant events rose, crumbled, and fell before me.

I was comfortably numb!

I was now left to pick up the pieces of my life one bit at a time and try to rebuild it with whatever I could find. Parts of me were swept away by the storm and are now forever lost. I'm now inured to the pain I feel.

The storms of the past have taught me to fortify and strengthen myself. I had let my guard down as I believed that nothing could ever go wrong. I felt invincible, so secure and powerful, as I had never experienced such comfort in my life before.

I felt that the worst was over and I would only see clear blue skies and rainbows. My arrogance was reined in and subdued.

Was it fate that dealt a cruel blow, or was it my own actions or inactions that caused this cruel carnage? The answers are irrelevant, as I need to face reality and deal with this in the best way possible.

I am not the same person I was before; I'm highly guarded and very alert. I'm building a fortress that will be impenetrable. No longer will I wear my heart on my sleeve.

The world around me has changed, and I've adapted to survive.

As I nurse my shattered heart back to life, I hear a faint ring that gets louder and louder. The ring is now deafeningly loud. I'm jolted awake. I look at my alarm clock—it is 4 a.m., and everything is fine.

The nightmare has passed.

Self Advice 101

We've all been there and by "there" and I am referring to the "situation" where our very own illogical, logical “thinkawhatdoyoucallit” machine either saves us from a stressful, highly volatile and delicate situation or it steam rolls and destroys a situation that could be saved and sends it down the fiery pits of Hades.

There is a serious Knowing and Doing Gap here. We know we should be patient and not jump like adrenaline fueled Jack Rabbits to a conclusion, but at times our t'rusty' old brain decides to take an unplanned immediate vacation and you are left to deal with a situation with an overweight one legged, lazy hamster and a squeaky broken wheel.

At times like these, it is best to either shut up or pray that you fall into a temporary coma, until the feeling of stupidity to spew illogical hurtful or unwarranted words subsides.

I'm pretty good at dishing out advice like a 1000 year old yogi, it's irrelevant, and out dated but sometimes in a moment of madness I tend to say something so profound it makes up for all nonsense I've said before. People refer to me as Dr. Barnett and although deep down I know it is a reference to a local Quack, who got his P.H.D. from an alphabet book, I acknowledge the false praise with humility.

I counsel myself and that is not a very good thing, but it's better than listening to someone else and then blaming them if things don't go as planned. I prefer to take responsibility for my own bad advice.

I have a million conversations in my head about a situation and I create elaborate worst case scenarios and situations and I work from there. I link everything I see to that situation and I've realized that, if you believe something then everything and anything will and can be tied to that outcome you have already pre-decided. To break it down for the confused, you only let yourself see what you want to see or you have already decided on the verdict before the trial starts.

Therefore, if you want to truly resolve some issue, you need to tackle things at the very root and work from there. The best way to do this is to ask and "ask with the intention to truly believe and listen to what the other person is saying". If you ask, but have already made up your mind that the other person is lying, it is as good as not asking at all. I hope this makes sense.

Doubt can ruin the best and the strongest relationship, it can eat away years of trust and happiness in an instant. Therefore it is very critical and important to seek immediate clarification if it possible or stay quiet until you can seek clarification.

It's impossible to drink a glass of water without spilling a drop, on a roller coaster while it is hurtling at 100 miles an hour. You need to let the roller coaster come to a complete stop and then drink to your heart's content.

All this sounds good and pretty logical, but when you are in the eye of the storm, logic and the ability to shut up shut down and you knowingly commit verbal suicide by saying stuff you shouldn't.

I've been down that road and I can tell you it’s tough not to go all Deadpool, Harley Quinn when your brain power to compute is dependent on the ability of a disabled lazy hamster. However practice makes (near) perfect, you'll always have that occasional miss.

So the next time you are troubled and want to vent and shout or ask questions that could pretty much send your relationship down the S**t Creek, take a step back, tape your mouth if you have to, or have the most horrific conversation in your head, but Do Not and I repeat Do Not make the mistake of saying something you can't take back, unless you have managed to figure out time travel.

I've struggled with this and I'm still struggling too, but not as much as before. So my advice is practice, practice and practice, and if you still can't manage then, PRAY.

Bringing the Zing Back

They say that love is blind and marriage is an eye opener. I believe that when you are in the initial stages of love you are so consumed, mesmerized and focused on impressing your partner that you lose sight and overlook any shortcomings.

Over time the butterflies in your stomach get tired and you no longer get that tingling feeling when you see your partner.  You are now more comfortable burping and farting in each other’s presence, basically you take each other’s existence for granted. The drive to impress dwindles with each passing day and over time. If you manage to pick up after yourself or put the toilet seat down you consider that a huge favor you have bestowed upon your partner.

Life can get too routine and predictable, it is at this time we have a choice to let things be, or try and bring some excitement back into your life and your partner’s life. Some veteran couples may tell you that if you have something good let it be. I however feel that you need to rock the boat and stir up some excitement to get the zing back. Even if you have managed to bring some excitement for a day or two, you are moving in the right direction.

I’ve written a couple of posts in the past about relationships and in each one I reiterate, don’t take your partner for granted  for in the midst of routine and boredom you would either neglect your partner or get into something that you should not. 

The simplest way to get back on track is to have open conversations; now having such a conversation is tough as at times we do not want to be completely honest as we fear how the other person will react. What we forget that if we aren’t completely honest we will never know how our significant other will react and we carry that burden of a secret or discontent for years.

I have seen people hide things from their partners and I know that it eats into them as they are unable to be truly honest. If your relationship is strong enough it will endure some bitter truths, however if your relationship is built on lies it will one day crumble before your eyes and you will have no time to salvage anything from it. Life is not a result of one big choice that we make, but it is a list of little choices that make us who we are.

For any relationship to be successful, you need to have those hard conversations and hope for the best.  One should never forget that a brilliance of a diamond is achieved from a piece of coal.  It is only time, endurance and immense pressure that make it unbreakable and precious. You need to learn to sift the glass from the diamonds.

The older you get one realizes that relationships are built on trust, understanding, forgiveness and love.  It doesn’t matter how much money, fame, or success you have achieved, what truly matters is for who our hearts still beats.